B.A.A. Distance Medley

I often imagine the shiny new person I can become if I follow all the right steps.  I will eat only organic whole foods.  I will make all our food from scratch.  I will stop drinking alcohol and eating sweets and desserts.  I will run everyday and keep getting faster and faster.  My house will be completely organized and the laundry won't make my bed look like a mountain.  Many of these things will never happen or at least not all at once.  However I am taking small steps to claim my spot as a runner.  I signed up for the B.A.A. Distance Medley.  This include a 5K April 19th, a 10K June 22nd and the B.A.A. half marathon on October 12th. 

The B.A.A. half marathon last year was the first race I ran to specifically raise money in honor of my Mom.  Ian and Mom were on the street cheering for me half way through the race.  I saw mom all bundled up against the cold and smiling.  I gave her a Boston Strong bracelet and we both cried.  As I rounded the corner and started on the uphill half of the race I had trouble catching my breath because I knew she did not have much time left.  My mother passed away from cancer on October 31st 2013 about two and a half weeks after I finished that half marathon. 

I thought that I would be able to keep up with my running after Mom died, but it turns out that grief is an extremely exhausting process.  I am so tired I can't get up at 5am like I used to.  Alcohol is an enticing friend at the end of a long day.  A glass of wine can easily turn into a bottle or two for me.  I know that in my life I need to stop drinking.  Running is the way I know to do that.  I sign up for a race that means something to me and I stop drinking.  I have made the stakes higher this time.  I will not drink alcohol again until I break 2:00 in the half marathon.  This is easy for a lot of runners, but not me.  I am developing my routine and I can cover distances, but I am slow.  My training depends on no drinking.  I sleep better and I recover better.  I need this now more than ever.  I have limped along running once or twice a week.  Now that will all change. 

The next finish line

I've been running a lot lately.  I get up early and eat something simple, hot kashi with raisins and chia seeds, a banana, then I put on the running clothes which now include warm leggings and compression socks, a hat, gloves and sweatbands, then I put on my shoes and if I get that far I know I'll run at least three miles sometimes four if it's a weekend I might go ten to thirteen.  The running has become an important habit in my life now.  I can't go two days without it affecting me negatively.  I'm not that fast yet but I want to keep doing it and see how fast I can get.  I've run two half marathons this year.  The first one was The Big Lake Half (2:11:46) on Mother's Day weekend, the second was the Baystate Half Marathon (2:04:40) Oct. 21st.  When I line up to start I know it will be a long hard run but it won't be as bad as what my mom is going through.  So I have another finish line in mind, Boston 2013.

Sometimes I Get Really Frustrated

I'm hoping to find a magical fountain of mommy patience somewhere. There are times when my girls start to wear on me. Wear me out, drive me crazy, and I hate to get angry because then it solves no problems. They make me angry though. Like this afternoon they both want to go out on the swing set as soon as we get home from the library. They don't let me put my things down they have to go right away in fancy dresses on a rainy day. Then they get out there and start fighting over the rope handle they both want to spin with. My turn, no my turn, pushing shoving and someone gets their eye grabbed and scratched, the other one gets pushed. Now I'm not eating my nice banana snack and drinking my seltzer I'm yelling at them to go inside. So we go inside and they are both screaming and crying loudly so it doesn't really help if I join in. I'm working on some strategies to help, like posting here more often. I'm also going to try 1-2-3-Magic and I'm hoping it works because I don't like being at the end of my rope.

I Loved Everything You Made Tonight Mama

This is the first time in the four and a half years I've been cooking for my daughter that I got actual praise for the dinner I made. Of course as a mom our jobs include all of the drudgery of servitude but it's nice to be rewarded with the enthusiastic compliments of a picky eater. I served alphabet soup and James Beard Popovers. She loved all of the letters in her soup and she even said, 'I love all the carrots in here.' The popovers were the best I've ever made and they will be repeated often. All in all it was a good evening. The areas that still need improvement include bedtime and whining.

My Best Friend's Wedding

I'm thirty-five with two kids and I finally get to be a bridesmaid. I'm not going to say a bridesmatron because that just doesn't sound right, it's not my fault she waited until I was old and married to go and get herself married up. I am planning a scrumptious bridal shower at the beautiful Tower Hill Botanic Garden. This little job is proving to be quite exciting. I loved seeing Bridesmaids last week and I'm dying to get a big heart shaped cookie with her and her fiances names on it and rolling around on the ground kicking it. My best friend is a meticulous perfectionist and I'm a home ec flunky. With the help of all the other bridesmaids we should be able to get something lovely accomplished.

Lyra finishes up her first year at preschool the end of this month. She has been doing a fabulous job on her hair lately. She doesn't like to brush it, but she will pull it back into a pony tail and add purple and pink hair extensions. I always enjoyed expressing myself through my hairstyles and I'm glad she's carrying on that tradition. Manic Panic purple wouldn't fit in with my current mommy set. That would look more like a Manic Panic Melt Down at my age. But it looks good on my 4 year old. Also we've been singing the songs that she performed for Family Night at home lately and she is doing a great job teaching the whole family these really cute songs. I'm proud of my beautiful little girl who is starting to grow up in front of my eyes.

You're not doing anything wrong

This title came from a discussion I was having with my friend who cleans our house about toddler birthday parties. She was telling me how she was helping out a friend who is a single mom with her little ones bday party and it just felt like chaos and her friend asked her, "What am I doing wrong?" To which she replied "You're not doing anything wrong." This is what I have to keep reminding myself as I slog through these early years with two girls twenty months apart. And it has been bringing up some great titles for the memoir I'll write someday. "What were we thinking" "You're not doing anything wrong, it's just that age" "What happened to my brain" and "Mommyhood Bites".

I've also been coming up with analogies to describe to people what I'm going through as a stay at home mom. I feel like I'm climbing up an escalator that's going down, and I never get to the top. Sometimes the damn thing shoots me off the bottom and I have to get up and try again and again and again. The first few months home with the girls I kept telling friends I felt like I was trying to learn how to juggle cats. Everyone kept saying, "That's impossible." And I'm thinking, "Now you know how I feel." Of course the most obvious analogy is Atlas the guy holding the world on his shoulders. Yes we have undertaken a whole new world of responsibility here raising two babies. We have also undertaken the responsibility of taking our birth control very seriously. There will be no more security breaches for this family. Treading Quicksand. Just to name a few.

Micheal Jackson I'll Miss You

I'm so sad that Micheal Jackson passed away. He was an icon of our era and his music was the soundtrack in so many places I remember. He was also an unapologetic supporter of bed sharing. I only really appreciate this as a mother. I share my bed with my husband and both of our children. I love having my family so close. I think Micheal was an adult who loved kids in a very innocent way. When he talks about bed sharing in the interviews I understand exactly what he is saying. It is a wonderful thing to be close to children, it's sad that our society thinks sex when we talk about shared sleep. I support bed sharing and I'll miss Micheal Jackson.